Monday, April 27, 2009

Damn Niners!

Uh, may want to skip this one. It's (a) about the 49ers, (b) about the NFL, and (c) loaded with semi-censored profanity.

I have officially reached the limits of my patience with the 49ers and their asshat owners, the Yorks. Everything the 49ers did this past weekend either pissed me off or made me want to bang my head through the wall.

Let's start with the "new" uniforms. To paraphrase Willie "Too Big" Hall -- "At least we got a change of clothes. You're wearing the same shit you had on four decades ago". * Yes, that's right. 1960's style, to the max. The 49ers have exchanged what was EASILY the best uniform in the entire league for "the same shit they had on" in 1969!

Ooooh! But it's been modernized! The dopey 1960's-style stripes are thinner now! And they kept the updated helmet logo!

BFD! Those uniforms look like shit! The Niners now officially have the second-blandest uniform in the entire league (No one - let me repeat, NO ONE - will EVER overtake the quintessentially bland and awful uniforms of the Cleveland Browns).

Wide red-white-red helmet stripe. John Brodie and Charlie Krueger just called - they loved it....IN 1970!!!!!!! And the gray facemasks. Ugh. Talk about totally washing out the entire helmet. The jersey is fine. Boring, but fine. The pants are the same boring shit they wore for 30 years before the coolest uniform ever was unveiled between 1996 and 1998.

Now the coolest uniform ever is a thing of the past. I. Could. Just. Effing. Scream.

But if I thought the uniforms were bad, they were positively AWESOME compared to the goat-screw that was the Niners performance in the draft.

The Niners went into the draft with the stated goal of establishing Mike Singletary's kind of team -- smashmouth, imposing it's will on its opponents. No flash, just mash.

In order to accomplish this, they needed to bring in some big, strong, ugly dudes on both sides of the line of scrimmage. OL depth. A dominating nose tackle. A pass rusher.

They then proceeded to produce this abortion of a draft!

Round 1 - Michael Crabtree, WR, Texas Tech.
Round 3 - Glen Coffee, RB, Alabama
Round 5 - Scott McKillop, ILB, Pittsburgh
Round 5 - Nate Davis, QB, Ball State
Round 6 - Bear Pascoe, TE, Fresno State
Round 7 - Curtis Taylor, S, LSU
Round 8 - Ricky Jean-Francois, DT, LSU


Vulture's First Law of the NFL draft: Unless the player in question is a Jerry Rice, a Randy Moss, or a Larry Fitzgerald - that is to say, a once-in-a-decade or once-in-a-lifetime kind of player - NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, N-E-V-E-R draft a Wide Receiver in the first round. Michael Oher was still on the board, a huge OL with a penchant for destroying defensive linemen!!!!! There were two decent OLB/DE prototype linemen still on the board.

But Vulture, he could end up being that once-in-a-decade guy! Yeah, and I could start shooting fire from my ass! C'mon! Texas Tech?!?!?! For crying out loud!

But that wasn't the worst. After trading the #2 pick to Carolina - the one smart thing they did all frigging weekend! - they proceeded to draft a Running Back. The 49ers have two superstar players: Frank Gore and Patrick Willis. Last time I looked, Frank Gore plays RUNNING BACK! Yes, depth is good. But that was a second round pick that could have gone towards defensive help! Or OL depth!

Based on the theme of the previous pick, guess what the next pick was? Yeah, AN MF-ING INSIDE LINEBACKER! Gee. Doesn't Patrick Willis play........INSIDE LINEBACKER?!?!??!

Oh, but they weren't done tearing my heart out! Now they proceeded to waste the next pick on A QUARTERBACK!!!! NOW I'm PISSED!!!!!!! They just renegotiated Alex Smith's contract - he's supposed to be the QB of the future. They've got my boy Shaun Hill, who has done nothing but win 70% of his starts on a team that hasn't sniffed .500 since 2002; a QB they insist on treating like a red-headed stepchild because there's no sizzle with his steak. Yeah, we needed another quarterback...

A blocking tight end (like there aren't 500 of THOSE available as free agents AFTER the draft!). A safety known for trying for SportsCenter big hits rather than for technically sound tackling. And then, to rub my nose in it like a dog who's pooped on the floor, they FINALLY draft a Defensive Lineman.

Yesterday evening I was threatening divorce. You know, I divorced a team I thought I would love for the rest of my life before. I divorced the Oakland A's in 1997 for the mortal sin of preferring to be cheap and finish 2nd every year rather than to re-sign the premier home run hitter of his generation, Mark McGwire.

But I can't do it. This team has brought me so much joy over the past 40 years. 5 championships. Two of the greatest quarterbacks of all time. The greatest wide receiver EVER. The greatest Free Safety EVER. The Catch. The Catch II. Montana to John Taylor for the win in SB XXIII. Garrison Hearst's 96 yard TD run to beat the Jets in OT in '97.

49ers, I wish I knew how to quit you.

* from The Blues Brothers, one of my all-time favorite movies